Thursday, February 7, 2013

Today you're getting a list, a list of all the things that have happened since I last blogged. You are getting this list because my wit, mental focus and sympathy are all in short supply. Keep in mind that I share these intimate bits of my life because I have and do feel alone in my ADHD world although I know many others are suffering and if they, the readers, feel even the slightest comfort from my writing than I will feel somewhat accomplished. So...

  • Started reading at least 6 books
  • Cried
  • Danced
  • Was hospitalized
  • Stopped taking Adderall
  • Started taking Strattera
  • Lost friends (good riddance)
  • Gained friends (Hi!)
  • Started writing poetry again
  • Had the brilliant idea of publishing my own book
  • Did laundry (refused to fold said laundry)
  • Began attending support group
  • Sang loudly in my car
  • Bought a pretty yellow skirt
  • Cried some more
  • Danced some more
  • Felt hopeful
  • Felt delusional
  • Got extremely angry
  • Ate a lot of food (gained zero pounds)
  • Misplaced many things
  • Made a paper airplane for my son
  • Started drawing/painting again
  • Slept well for once
  • Planned a trip to Rhode Island in my mind
  • Talked entirely too much
  • Sat in silence
Yes, that's about it...

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself...

I found this very comprehensive article on Zoë Kessler's website ChickADD about the foolish things people say to people with ADHD. There is so much appropriate information out there now, there is no reason why anyone who is acquainted with, related to or friends with someone with ADHD should be holding on to stigmas (a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance) related to the disorder. If you know someone with ADHD, try to delve into the difficulties and even positive aspects of ADHD and be a good friend.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Quotes Galore

Hello! I haven't written in days and there is no good reason why. You mustn't assume I've nothing to talk about. I always have something to talk about and that it precisely why I have trouble settling on one  subject. Amidst my constant state of being scatterbrained, I've decided to keep things simple for myself and more enjoyable for you. Instead of my usual, longwinded, unorganized dialogue; I've decided to compile some of my favorite quotes. Some of the quotes are mine, Haha! So, here you go:

"In the absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it." - Robert Heinlein

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." - Helen Keller

"Some people inspire you to improve, other people belittle you to the point of standing still." - M. Garcia

"Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of everyone else." - William E. Rothschild

"The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe." - Gustave Flaubert

"They thought I was a surrealist but I wasn't. I never painted dreams. I painted my own reality." - Frida Kahlo

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." - Voltaire

"Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? To congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?" - Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

"I am in over my head with the life I don't have." - M. Garcia

"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." - Vincent Van Gogh

"I don't like to write - I like to have written." - Gloria Steinem

"Life is too short and too long to keep people close to you that are full of disregard for your happiness." - Unknown

"Emma sought to learn what was really meant in life by the words 'happiness, 'passion' and 'intoxication' - words that seemed so beautiful to her in books." - Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert

"You do not need to apologize for being who you are because we all make mistakes and love accepts those without prejudice or scorn." - Erik Chowbay

"I want to know everything all the time and I want to share that everything." - M. Garcia

"Crazy people have the world so don't be afraid to be crazy." - Ty Leeson

"...I feel so extraordinarily happy and free when I read that I'm convinced it could make everything else in my life bearable, if only I could have books all the time." - Unorthodox, Deborah Feldman

This surely isn't the whole of them. Do you have a favorite quote? Please share.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Will Write for Food

Lately I’ve been exploring the possibilities of writing full time. I’m aware that this aspiration might not be a definite likelihood but I love writing and I have to try.  I believe everyone wants to do something they love for a living but it isn’t always possible considering the economy and other circumstances. However, I won’t give up in my endeavors.

I have recently acquired a volunteer writing position with the Jenna Green Foundation, a non-profit organization focusing on assisting students with disabilities and their parents and teachers. I’m very excited about this because I’ll be writing about something I know and I’ll have an opportunity to help others.  The fact that I do not possess a degree isn’t weighing heavy on my mind as much as before. I can only hope that my talent and natural abilities will shine and erase what may seem as unfavorable voids on my resume. I am more focused and motivated than ever before.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Chronic Bibliophile

My mother taught me to read long before I entered school. This besides food, shelter and clothing was the best gift she could have provided. I am so thankful that she instilled in me, the love for the art form of literature. If I wasn't climbing trees, coloring or mastering dance moves from music videos, I could certainly be found with a book. My favorites were Paddington Bear, Corduroy, Dr. Seuss, Babar the Elephant, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Amelia Bedelia…the list goes ON AND ON. My level of reading was always on a higher level than my peers. I’m not tooting my own horn here but it was that way because I really loved reading just as one would excel in basketball if they really loved it and practiced a lot. I’ve read a lot of YA (Young Adult) books in my adulthood because I missed them as a young adult. It seems I went from children’s books right to adult books. There wasn’t any real transition and I think school is to blame.

In school, we were required to read what was listed on the curriculum for each grade. I don’t like being forced to do anything so I discovered cliff notes and spent my “homework time” reading what I wanted. I only slightly regret this. I missed out on The Diary of Anne Frank as an adolescent because of my defiance. I read this book only about 2 years ago and it would have done me very well to have read it as a teenager. I’m now playing catch up when talking about literature with people because I never read what everyone else did in school. I used to think I was just lazy about things that didn’t interest me, or just naturally difficult but then I learned about the ADHD and soon after about Bibliophilia (also a very real disorder).

In my collection, which I consider to be very small and insignificant, I’ve got over 400 books. I’d say about 30% of these books I’ve never read. Of that 30% I don’t intend to read 5% of them. Why? I can’t really say why. Sometimes I go to thrift stores, estate sales, yard sales and used bookstores and I see a book that seems interesting, interesting being very antique or on some off subject you wouldn’t normally find a book about; I’ll get it. If I’ve got money and you’ve got books, I will spend money on said books. I know I’ll never read it but it feels so special to me to have it in my collection. I cannot further explain what seems inexplicable. Right now I’ve got about 4 books on my shelves that were written in the early 1900s. The one fact about them makes them special.

I’m particularly a fan of independent authors and authors “no one’s ever heard of.” I feel like I’m in a solo book club when I discover a new author whose name can’t be found on the bestsellers list. The book into a movie craze has gotten out of hand as far as I’m concerned but no one cares what I think, obviously; money is the motive. I sometimes enjoy movies that come from books but I find that a movie comes out without me ever having known that a book was involved. This is disturbing because if a book-lover doesn’t know, there’s millions of other clueless people. I become uninterested in a book once I already know the story and I wonder if this applies to other people as well. I’ve got a compilation of the works of Jane Austen and also separate books and I’ve not read any of it because I know the story line already. I can’t waste time reading these when there are many more interesting books I’m ignorant of. I figure I’ll save those for when I either have read all I have or some other tragic event occurs that prevents me from acquiring more books.

As far as e-books, I’m not a big fan. They are cheaper sometimes but I’d just rather hold a book with pages in my hand to read. I sometimes sit in the middle of my bookshelves and just admire them. You could say I’m unstable but as far as books are concerned, I wouldn’t be insulted at all. Now here’s the part where I need full participation from the few readers I do have: WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE BOOKS AND AUTHORS? 

“When I get a little money I buy books. If there is any left over I buy food and clothes” - Erasmus

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Look Good, Feel Great

I get a lot of compliments on my eyebrows and that’s probably because I spend a lot of time on them. I no longer get them waxed because I can’t be bothered with being swollen and red for hours, agony. I learned how to thread them on YouTube and I pluck them daily because my hair grows rather fast. Threading is very easy and can be learned by watching a YouTube video.

I’ve got eczema but it usually only surfaces during the winter months or when I’m particularly stressed so yes, right now it is a major pain. My eczema outbreaks always occur in the most ridiculously uncomfortable places and I look like a maniac scratching myself. The back of my neck, the inside of my elbow, the back of my knee, my chin and even my lips has suffered. I like to wear makeup so the lip outbreaks are the most irritating. Right now I’m using Ultra Repair Cream by First Aid Beauty that I got from Sephora for my face. It seems to be helping the outbreak on my chin but not my lips because, well, they’re lips. The skin is more sensitive and so I just condition it with different things including: vitamin E oil, Shea butter and Vaseline periodically. I plan to make a Shea butter/Apricot oil/Avocado oil mix for my hair and skin today. I’ll later report how well that works.

Some people are not only anti-makeup but they seem to have a problem with other people wearing it to. Let’s get one thing clear, I do not think I NEED makeup, it’s apart of fashion to me. Makeup accessorizes the face as jewelry accessorizes the body. I also think that I do my makeup quite well, no clown faces for me thank you. However a person chooses to “wear” their face doesn’t bother me. I’d say I spend a large amount of time learning about makeup and technique but I’m no expert. However, I’m willing to help in any way anyone thinks I may be able to. Everyone is always asking me to do videos on makeup and my head wraps but I’m camera shy and this will take some time (Yes, a part time model who is camera shy). Maybe I’ll just do photos and work my way up.

I have natural hair. By definition that may mean something different for everyone but for me it wasn’t a bandwagon that I jumped on. I’ve always wanted to wear my hair naturally for health. Relaxers are extremely damaging to my hair but I always felt that it was easier and it is somewhat. Each time I cut my hair or let it grow without touching it up with a relaxer, I would get lazy and give in. This HAD to end. I wanted to know what my hair really looked like and I wanted it to be healthier so one day I got the scissors and quickly cut it all off, not giving myself time to have that inner conversation which normally would have ended in me changing my mind. I was pleased with myself for having been strong. I was also anxious about it growing back although I don’t look terrible with short hair. Now, I’ve been natural for 15 months. I bleach a section of my hair because I just wanted to do something different and I think it’s cute. I’m not an extremist or anything. I try to use sulfate free, paraben free, whatever else harmful free products but these are expensive so I just use something I created from natural products. Shea butter and Coconut oil are my favorites (coconut oil is great for skin too because it isn’t heavy and doesn’t clog your pores).

Now about nails…when I see there is some surplus of funds (which does not occur often) I may go to a salon and get a pedicure and manicure but I find this to be a luxury, especially when I could be indulging in book purchases. I can do my nails myself and YouTube is a great assistant in finding new styles and techniques.

Its free promotion time!

Natural Hair – Pretty Dimples (My Cousin)

Nails – Nails Beautiqued (My Aunt)

Makeup – Goss Makeup Artist (Just some guy I admire)

(I’ll be doing a future post with the help of an Esthetician friend of mine about skin types and do-it-yourself facials)

Friday, December 28, 2012

Maybe I Just Don't Play Very Well

Some days having ADHD is like playing a game of soccer and both teams are losing. 

You're on Team A and you're moving toward Team B's goal. A member of Team B steals the ball from you violently and progresses toward your goal. Someone on your team steals it back and passes it to you specifically because they felt sorry for you for having lost it. You rush toward Team B's goal, the crowd is cheering, you're almost there and already daydreaming about that triumphant and dramatic kick that lands the goal. You aim, kick as hard as you can...and you miss. The ball is given to Team B now and it'll be a long while before you're in control again. 

I've been playing soccer for weeks and I'm very tired. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Circumstantial Existence and Modifications

I love reading but I also love films. Film is an art form obviously varying in many ways from literature, so it is just another of my obsessions. Television and movies provided a lot my early social education because I’m an only child. I don’t think anyone thought the hours of my TV viewing were excessive or dangerous because I was reading, coloring or climbing trees just as much. I’ve often been called a recluse (person who lives solitarily and avoids other people) but I don’t think of myself that way. I’m not going out of my way to evade the companionship of others, it just happens that way. I was quite comfortable in my solitude when I was younger. My peers were either a bore or so severely misbehaved that I just couldn’t handle the pressure of trying to fit in with their assorted personalities. Wanting to fit in is natural, especially for a young person but I deemed it as entirely too much effort and bowed out gracefully.

Now that I’m older I’m finding myself to be the bore and I crave the attention and company of others. However, I’m still picky (sue me). When I tell people this, which has proven to be a mistake every time (so I’m broadcasting it on the internet, haha!), I usually get “Well maybe you should quit being such a hermit and talk to people!” or “Get out of the house!” This is precisely the type of response that swiftly causes me to be impulsive in my speech. My reply is usually “If it were that easy I would have done it already, Einstein! Have you any useful ideas or would you be so kind to just hush and listen?” Gosh, I don’t mean to be so callous with people but it is crystal clear that this is a touchy subject for me and I become transparent when I give in to the emotion of anger. I’m also not the type to ask for help, I’ll be near death before I ask for a drop of water. I used to think of this type of prideful attitude as extreme and foolish and I don’t know myself how I became this way.

I’ve spent more time than necessary trying to figure out if I have a genetic disposition for seclusion or if my adolescent circumstances conditioned me for it. Undoubtedly, I cannot do a thing about the past, nor can I alter my genetic makeup so moving forward with improvement is the only logical action. The cabin fever I am currently experiencing prompted this post and there’s much more to be said but I’ve become bored now and must return to reading…

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Who's Hungry?

I developed a love for cooking at a young age because…well…food is delicious! I grew up in the most southern part of Maryland and in my opinion, country living and cooking compliment each other quite nicely. As a child I remember my favorite place was the kitchen. My grandmother was a mother of seven and she always seemed to be cooking. This woman was a magnificent chef in my eyes, although she probably just viewed herself as a conventional housewife. I can still remember the delightful smells than filled the entire house and embraced my being, a memory delicately etched in my brain.

My Aunt was also a great chef. She was the one who instructed me in cooking the most. She always surprised me with a lesson, I don’t think intentionally but mostly because she suffered from physical ailments and needed my help. This was fine by me, I was happy to help and learn all I could. She sat at the end of the table and verbally instructed me in each step. I felt so useful (feeling useful is important to people with ADHD because we are often being indirectly told how worthless we are). I didn’t know at the time why cooking with her made me so joyful and carefree.

People often ask me to share recipes with them from my “recipe book.” Ha! No such thing exists. People with ADHD are notoriously known for being unorganized and forgetful. However, everything I know how to cook lies in the special chambers in the memory part of my brain. When I plan to cook something, I get the ingredients and everything else just produces itself magically. I couldn’t see myself constructing a book of recipes that don’t really exist. My Aunt didn’t teach with recipes, she used innovation. We may have cooked the same dish together hundreds of times but in various ways. I’d like to think this manner was conditioned for my brain because she would always say things like “What’s wrong with you besides being nuts?” This was how she showed affection and I was ceaselessly amused by it. I’m very hard to offend and I loved her jokes.

I don’t have a television so I rely mostly on the internet and books for learning new recipes and techniques. I do sometimes watch the Food Network and the Cooking Channel on my mother’s television in the off chance that no one is home to bother me because I’ll watch for hours, not realizing time has passed. I have a few favorite chefs. Giada de Laurentiis is an Italian chef who simply stole my heart. Italian is one of my favorite types of cooking and she is so pleasant and personable on screen. Alton Brown is nothing short of a genius, he teaches science and history in his cooking lessons, further drawing you into a passion for food. Paula Deen is a country girl and despite the recent news of her diabetes or whatever, I’m still fond of her unconcealed zeal for using real butter (margarine decreases immune response and lowers the quality of breast milk). Nadia G is a punk rock-esque, fashionable and unmistakably fiery personality who brings a hip disposition to the screen but a professional nonetheless. Last but certainly not least, Lorraine Pascale. Her diverse recipes, British accent, and balmy personality make you want to quickly cook whatever she’s making.

In the future I may focus on a single recipe or category in a post. Suggestions are welcome. For those of you have some time on your hands or just want to learn more, I suggest:

Cooking with Children

Book - Favorite Brand Name Silly Snacks (My son's favorite cookbook)

Cooking for Single People

Recipes, Cooking Tips and Catering

Eats and Such by Joy Doe - Catering available in the Washington DC Metro Area (

Flour on my Face - Vintage Recipes and Family Blog

Monday, December 24, 2012

What is Sleep?

I’ve dealt with insomnia for as long as I can remember. It comes in cycles and I have to say I’m actually used to it. I usually don’t get more than 3 hours of sleep a night when a cycle of insomnia hits. I lay down for the recommended 8 hours but for the 5 that I’m not asleep, my thoughts are racing in anticipation of the day’s events. I’d also rather sleep during the day than the night. Something about sleeping at night doesn’t feel right to me and I’ve never known why.

The only time insomnia is a problem is when I don’t have any “day’s events” to anticipate. So recently, having not steadily worked in a few weeks, I’ve been AWAKE. I’ve not slept for more than 30 minutes at a time since Friday, December 14th. I lay down, read two sentences from a book, cry, get up, eat, write, cry some more, listen to sounds of nature outside my window, stare at the wall, fall asleep for approximately 4 minutes, cry again, eat again then lay in bed like a mummy until sunrise when my child promptly requests breakfast.

I know that it will be over soon and manageable when I’m working again or have some other activity awaiting me so I don’t want to bother my doctor. I’ve never taken anything for insomnia before and I don’t want to start now. I don’t particularly fancy medications but I understand they’re sometimes necessary. I’m also prideful in this regard. I think most things can be accomplished by being strong-willed, although I’ve not been able to prove this yet.

It’ll be another two weeks before I return to work and I’m not sure if I can last that long without some sort of slightly psychotic episode. I shall now make a list of house chores I need to complete but that list won’t be long because I don’t move around enough to create any new work to be done, tragic, yes? I’d mentioned that I’m an exceptional bibliophile so you’d think that I would be reading in my sleepless state but sadly, no. I don’t seem to have focus or energy to sit up and read. Its like my body sleeps but my mind doesn’t. This is parlous torture, dramatically put. I’m sure I’ll spend a good portion of the day researching melatonin, valerian root and other sleep aids. I’d prefer something natural.

Do you suffer from chronic insomnia? Has anything helped you?